A broken window to a troubled soul

Such a strange thing, to have a long beholden missing piece of the puzzle fall right into your lap, unexpectedly, on a Friday morning. I was talking to Vancouver-based Dr Gerald Komarnicky today- who really is an Optometrist (eye doctor) but specializes and believes that brain injuries are diagnosable with basic and simple vision tests that look for “Ocularmotor Dysfunction”. He explained the causality and the twisted optic fibers and resulting damage that leads to certain traits among differing types of TBI patients and went on to share his patent/device to treat such symptoms with me. Great guy. I had this burning question the whole time he was talking…. that question went back forty years for me. My whole life, I’ve had trouble looking people in the eye. It gave me a dull ache right in the center of my forehead and felt exhausting; it used to be VERY much a part of my life, and to some extent, still is. I can tell you for a fact: I’ve lost sweet and intimate relationships because of it. I can tell you for a fact, I’ve created suspicion and distrust in business, and lost income as a result. I can tell you therapists have told me I’m a liar; and those who have become now close friends have told me I had a bewildering affect on them at first, and they had no idea what to make of it. And listen, that is not (I hope) a statement of wallowing in victimhood, nobody likes that. I don’t blame anyone or anything, sometimes stuff just is what it is. But, truth telling time: I didn’t know what to make of it, either. I just concluded that I was spiritually damaged and hopelessly fucked up; I know eye contact is important, but I couldn’t really do it. Literally, could not. My conclusion? Sociopathic, maybe. Or hopelessly dishonest. I’ve had a lot of internal dialogue around that over the years. Until today. When I found out, it wasn’t any of those things, and it wasn’t eye contact per say, as ANY fixed and commanding ocular point was always going to give me trouble, due to the typecast of my particular injury & being hit in the head way too hard, so long ago. Turns out, I’m nothing other than that, a guy who had a brain injury that carries some baggage because of it. I can’t tell you how liberating that is. Peace. JG